7 Quick Takes Friday (Saturday) Vol. 3

1. I didn't post this on Friday because I was in the midst of a Dr. Wh.o marathon. I hate that show with a passion, but I love it to death. It's weird.

2. Going to visit Godson tomorrow after Mass! I haven't seen him since the baptism three weeks ago--I can't wait to see how much he's grown!

3. The water supply at the community garden was finally hooked up! No more hauling water for me!

4. I got some cloth today from my mom. Hopefully I'll start some new sewing projects soon.

5. We are considering getting a dog. Not in the immediate future, but once N gets a job and we get settled in our forever home (which could be as early as this January). It's kind of exciting!

6. I spent almost eight hours in the car today. It was only supposed to be seven but we got stuck in the horrible rainstorm--N was driving but I was having a heart attack because I couldn't see the road or the cars or anything and I thought there was no way we would make it home without slamming into anything. I'm thanking God that we got home safe!

7. On that note, I really love coming home after a vacation. There's nothing quite like it. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed...

Happy Novena Day

I thought that going on vacation for most of my two week wait would be a good thing, since I would focus on vacation things and not on how unbearably slow time is moving. It turns out that this vacation is so relaxing that my mind has way too much free time. Must pray for mental fortitude!

Other than that vacation has been lovely so far. On Tuesday N and I went for a run through the backwoods, and I got to point out all of the landmarks of my childhood. Running on rough terrain is so much different than running on a treadmill. It was quite a workout!

It's a good thing we did go running, because my poor pancreas is still struggling to metabolize all of the sugar my Grandma fed me! And we went to all-you-can-eat buffets TWICE!

Right now we are holed up in a bed and breakfast in central Michigan. It is absolutely GORGEOUS. I want one just like it when I grow up. We are in the smallest room which apparently used to be the maid's quarters, but it is so cozy and it has a wonderful view of the gardens. The B&B property backs up to the river, so we ordered takeout for dinner and took it down to the water and ate while we watched the sun set and talked about theology. It was a great evening!

Today is Novena Day. The cycle that I conceived for the second time I prayed a Novena for the last nine days of my cycle before taking a pregnancy test. I had never done it before, but I was willing to try anything. I thought of making it a tradition, to keep myself centered and focus on what was really important while I waited for God to bless me. When the test turned out positive, I was sure that I had finally found the answer.

Then I lost the baby, and I realized that I had been trying to make a deal with God.

I have decided to pray a Novena again this cycle, but this time I will do it the right way. I am petitioning St. Gianna, not for conception but for perfect acceptance of life or death.

So here it goes!

Off Adventuring

In a few hours N and I will be leaving for our much-needed vacation.

As we had only a couple hundred dollars in our "Travel" fund our options were kind of limited--so we decided to go to my Grandma's in northern Michigan. Other than a few holidays N hasn't spent a lot of time there, but since I spent the better part of my childhood hiking in the woods, swimming in the lakes, and lurking around the local ice cream shop, I thought it was high time that N spent some time there himself.

After most of the week at Grandma's were are splurging on a couple of nights in a bed and breakfast. It looks pretty amazing; I can't wait!

I don't want to ruin my vacation by obsessing about what my temperature is doing, nor do I do I want to have to wake up at 6:30 every morning to take my temp. Since I was finally able to confirm ovulation on CD19, I don't have to worry about that any more. So sorry thermometer, but you are staying at home:)

For those of you who are interested, the flax seed oil supplements seem to have been a success when it comes to my pre-ovulation temperatures. Of my 19 pre-ovulation days, eleven of my temps were above 97.0. As opposed to, well, NONE (ok, maybe one or two) in my previous cycles. I hope that my temps continue to improve! It's been very nice not to have to wear sweaters in the summer!

I should get it tattooed on my forehead

I went to the the OBGYN today for my yearly checkup and pap. There are a lot of reasons I don't like my OBGYN, but the big reason is that the doctor and nurses are constantly offending me.

For example...

Nurse: I see you are taking a prenatal. Does that mean that you aren't on BIRTH CONTROL?
Me: No, I am trying to get pregnant and what's more, I'm Catholic.
Nurse: So, would you like a prescription for some nice BIRTH CONTROL?
Me: No!

and later...

Me: Is there any way I can shorten my cycles?
Doctor: Well, you could go on BIRTH CONTROL.
Me: We've talked about this. The reason I want shorter cycles is so I can have more chances of conceiving. Plus I'm Catholic.
Doctor: Are you sure you wouldn't like some nice, healthful, BIRTH CONTROL?

Ok, I get it. You all think I shouldn't procreate. That's great.

The nurse also offered me an STD test as soon as I sat down on the exam table. Because clearly my husband is cheating on me or I am cheating on him.

The doctor, who saw me for my follow up appointments after the miscarriages, chatted with me a little bit about how the TTC thing was going. I said not so well. She said I should be enjoying my nice child-free existence and just relax. It really bugs me when people tell me I should feel lucky that I don't have children because children are a huge pain, apparently. Oh, and the doctor also told me I am so young and I have plenty of time. I don't feel so young. I am one of the oldest in my group of friends and the only one without children. I am older now than my mother was when she had me, and I was her second. I am older than my sister was when she gave birth to Niecey. I am older than the average new mother in the US. So no, I am not SO young.

Come on, people. Just take a gander at my cervix and let me out of here.

I've wanted to switch doctors for a while, but I just haven't had the energy yet. Plus there don't seem to be any nice Catholic OBGYNs in my area. Does this mean I will have to put up with this crap for my entire life?

Anyway, I'm glad that's over and I don't have to see her for another year!

Iris

I'm sorry to tell a sad story, but I haven't been able to tell the full story to anyone and I really need to get all of this off my chest. After I have told all of my sad stories I hope to tell only happy ones.

Soon after N's change of heart regarding children, he left on a business trip for three weeks. After our long-distance courting ended with our marriage, we hadn't spent very much time apart. A few weekend trips here and there but...three weeks? It was not fun at all.

I was having a bad time at work at the time, and it was hard not having N there to support me. One day, a coworker with whom I had a long-standing feud verbally abused me in front of all the other staff, which resulted in me crying in the break room for most of the day.

When I got home I was still so mad I could hardly see straight, but then I inexplicably fell asleep for two hours. When I woke up I was still in a bad mood, and well, I really needed a drink.

In the back of my head I had a niggling thought that I was late. I checked my chart. It wasn't exactly clear if I was late or not. It was CD38, but I had had about a week of midcycle bleeding a few weeks before which had thrown everything off. I thought I maybe had ovulated on CD24, but the temperature shift wasn't really convincing.

I really wasn't thinking that I was pregnant, but I decided to take a test anyway so I could enjoy my drink with a clear conscience.

Then I forgot all about the drink, because there were two lines. I laughed and cried at the same time. I couldn't sit still. I couldn't wait to tell N. I ended up showing him with positive test on Sky.pe, and he was understandably stunned. Who gets pregnant on the first try anyway? And we weren't even really trying trying.

Everything went really smoothly. I felt great. N came home a week later, and we had a lot to celebrate.

It was a truly wonderful time, and we couldn't keep it a secret. We told both our families when I was around six weeks along. Everything was beautiful. I ended every day by putting my hand on my belly and saying, "Good night baby. I love you." Even though I had never seen it or held it, I truly loved my child. The depth of love I felt amazed me.

Less than a week after we had shared the news, I started spotting when I was at work. I hadn't had my first prenatal appointment yet, but I made several frantic calls to the midwives I had already decided on seeing, when the time came. They told me not to panic and I didn't--spotting is very common during early pregnancy, after all.

Then, at about three in the afternoon, I started cramping. Horrible, excruciating cramps unlike anything I had ever felt. The bleeding was picking up, and then I started to panic. By the time I managed to drive myself home, the cramps were so bad I couldn't stand. I knew then that it was over. Poor N was terrified. He drove me to the emergency room and didn't let go of my hand the entire time I was there. I ended up delivering the "products of conception" while I was on an examination table. After many blood tests, an empty ultrasound, and a shot of Rhogam, we were sent home.

My immense joy was turned to grief. And I was terrified because I had just experienced both the worst emotional distress and the most blinding physical pain that I had ever felt; I literally couldn't imagine anything worse. I thought, what if this happens again? How would I survive a sorrow that would be still greater than the most intense sorrow that I had ever felt?

After the miscarriage I found this prayer on EWTN which speaks of a miscarried child acting as a personal intercessor for his or her parents. I imagined my first child in heaven, praying for me before God, and that gave me a lot of comfort. It is because of this that I call her Iris. In Greek mythology, Iris is a divine messenger and serves as a link between the gods and humanity.Maybe a little pagan, but I feel it is very fitting.

How We Think About Children

I adore my parents-in-law. They are the sweetest, loveliest people I know. They got married as teenagers and are currently off celebrating their fortieth anniversary with an Alaskan cruise. They are so cute to see together. I really admire their marriage, except for one thing. They aren't open to children.

They waited until their late twenties to have children, during what they considered to be the perfect time. They had one child, who turned out to have ADD, and because he was such a handful they decided not to have any more children. God stepped in, though. If he hadn't, I wouldn't have my N. But after N was born my MIL got her tubes tied, and that was the end of that.

I had a very different upbringing in a very child-centered home. I have four biological siblings, two sisters and a brother. When I was eleven we became a foster family, and eventually we adopted one of our first foster children (that's Baby Sister). I was taught that birth control was wrong (something I rejected in my late teens and early twenties and then re-accepted).

When N and I got married, N shared his parents' views regarding children. And why wouldn't he? It was the only perspective he had been exposed to. When we were going through Pre-Cana we talked about how N wanted to have children, but in an abstract, in-the-distant-future kind of way. So I knew all this going in, but I was willing to wait if I had to. It's not that I desperately wanted children right away after we got married, but as I always told N, I would have been happy with a baby whenever God gave us one. And, deep down, I always thought N would change his mind.

In the years after we were married, I could see God working to change N's mind. First with his conversion. Then with the blessings of our friend's children. We are close with five couples who go to our church. In 2009, they all either became pregnant or gave birth. Before last year, N had never held a baby or had a friend who was a parent. And suddenly he could see how natural, wonderful, and beautiful parenthood is.

Then one day last June he literally called me while he was on his way home from work and told me he wanted to have kids sooner rather than later.

One thing I really struggle to understand is why God would change N's mind if He meant for it to end like this. I think He is still working on us; making our hearts more open and loving for the children He will give us one day, one way or another.

Day and Night

I had been feeling really positive about this cycle. Ever since the second miscarriage in February I have had really wimpy, erratic periods and half the time I wasn't able to confirm ovulation, but this month I had a nice, healthy period and then was showing all the signs of ovulating soon.

The new diet and exercise thing has made me feel a lot healthier. I'm sleeping better, I have a good appetite, and I have more energy. My temps have remained elevated, possibly due to the flax seed oil supplements. I actually think I look healthier too--the dark circles under my eyes are less pronounced (maybe thanks to the B Super Complex I've been taking?) and maybe I'm imagining it, but when I look in the mirror I swear I see a healthy glow.

I was optimistic. I thought, maybe this will be the cycle that everything does what it's supposed to.

Then yesterday, CD14, I started spotting and all of my impending ovulation symptoms disappeared, so any aspirations I had for a normal cycle are out the window. I have had spotting between periods several times since I stopped taking birth control in 2007--I used to blame any abnormal bleeding on the BCP, but sometimes I wonder if it isn't something else. It's been a really long time since I had any of those evil pills in my system.

So everything's going great and I'm the healthiest I've ever been, and my body still isn't functioning the way it's supposed to. A "normal" person would be starting the two-week wait right about now. Not me. Who knows when the waiting is going to be over.

Sigh.

7 Quick Takes Friday Vol. 2

1. We're trying to build a patio. So far it's been a complete disaster. We had a poured-concrete patio, but it was sloped towards the house which was allowing rainwater to just pour down into the foundation. Last summer N and a friend (a good friend, obviously) spent eight hours busting the patio up with jackhammers, but then the project stalled. We have had a huge gaping hole in the back yard ever since.

2. Baby Sister is coming to visit tomorrow, and I am freaking out because I just remembered that I promised to teach her to drive a stick shift! Ack!

3. If today wasn't Friday, I would be calling in malingering tomorrow. This week has really whupped me.

4. N is being considered for a job in the DC-Metro area, so I have been amusing myself by looking at apartments. We own our house now, but housing near DC isn't anywhere near as affordable so we probably wouldn't be able to buy right off the bat. I spend a lot of time contemplating what it would be like to rent again. I can't always wrap my head around it!

5. I have it in my head to make home-made laundry soap as detailed in Tall Tales from a Small Town. I really am too cheap to buy laundry detergent.

6. I've been trying to read this one book for about five or six months now, but I'm only 75 pages into it. I think it might be time to call it quits.

7. The community garden that I joined two weeks ago still doesn't have a water source. Apparently the water company was supposed to hook up the water a long time ago, but they have been dragging their feet a bit. As a direct result, I have to haul gallons and gallons of water there every day--I am getting ridiculous biceps!

The Happiest Story Part III - What Just Happened?

B’s wedding was the venue for our first date, but she is more important to this story than that. She was a girl from N’s hometown. They had known each other since middle school and were very good friends. She is the type of woman who doesn’t suffer fools, and she was the one who made N confront his hang-ups regarding long distance dating and convince him to go with his gut.

(It also turns out that N and I did not live quite as far apart as he thought we did. Geography is not his strong suit;)

If not for B, I wouldn’t be married to this wonderful man or have this happy life. And yet, I’ve never thanked her for what she did. What could I say or do that could possibly repay her as she deserves?

I knew early on that N wanted to marry me. He is one of those rare “marrying men”. I had always thought that I didn’t want to get married. It turned out that I just didn’t want to get married to any of the men I had known or dated before N. In those early months of our courtship, when I thought about what it would be like to be N’s wife, I didn’t feel scared or annoyed or doomed. It made me deliriously happy; and that’s how I knew.

We dated for six months. Every other month he would drive up to my hometown, and every other month I would fly to him, as my car wasn't reliable enough to make the 600 mile trip. It wasn't ideal, but we made it work.

N actually asked my dad for permission to marry me. Perhaps an antiquated move, but I thought it was adorable. My stoic dad said, “Just don’t lead her away from the Church”. N didn’t; it was quite the reverse. I didn’t know it at the time but he was already thinking about converting at that point.

N proposed to me six months to the day after our first date on June 17, 2005. That was the first time I can remember crying from joy.

Everyone thought we were crazy. I had just turned 21, N was 22. We were both still in college had no income to speak of. Some of my extended family didn't even know I had been dating N, and when they got the news that I was engaged they were understandably taken aback. (Once more, "You're marrying who?" and "You met him where?")

We lived in different states for another six months, then I graduated from college and got an apartment in the city where he lived so I could get in a semester of my graduate work before the wedding. We got married on June 17, 2006, exactly a year after we were engaged. (If you are sensing the pattern, it's because N is a mathematician. He likes the number 17 because it is a prime number, only divisible by 1 and itself).

When we left our wedding reception, bound for a honeymoon in Querétaro where we first met, I asked N, “How in the world did we get here?” That a chance meeting between two foolish young adults living it up in a foreign country would result in a marriage, a good marriage, seemed improbably to the extreme—and yet it had worked out so perfectly that there must have been a plan for us.

This is my happiest story. It reminds me never to doubt God's love for me, and always open my heart to His plan.

I can't cook

Not the kind of “can’t cook” that involves burning water or being unable to fry an egg. I get the mechanics of it. I can follow a recipe if it isn’t too complicated. So perhaps it would be more accurate if I said “I don’t cook”.

I grew up on a steady diet of of spaghetti, mac and cheese, fish fingers, and leftovers. When N and I got married and began to live together, I made an effort to cook “from scratch”. That’s what wives do, right? We ended up eating a lot of casseroles primarily composed of pasta and cheese. God help me, I tried. And, bless him, N put up with it for about a week.

Then he revealed that he is a seriously talented cook. The kind who takes notes when he watches the Food Network. The kind who can make a marinade without a recipe. You get the idea. Anyway, he thought it would be a better idea if he handled the cooking from then on. I was shocked, but also relieved that what we ate would now be the responsibility of someone who knew the finer points of cooking.

We have a pretty good set up. He cooks, we both eat, and I do the washing up. Except when he has to go out of town, then my good-hearted friends take turns having me over for dinner, because they know that without intervention I would eat nothing but cereal and ramen noodles until N got back.

The only problem is that, with N working so hard to finish his PhD, our diet hasn’t been so healthy recently. To take a little pressure off of him I’m trying to take our diet improvement scheme into my own inexperienced hands.

The first thing I did was make granola using an A.lton Bro.wn recipe (one of N's heroes). It actually didn’t turn out too badly. So for breakfast now we have about a third cup of granola topped with fresh fruit salad and yogurt. It is so delicious that I actually look forward to the morning!

Yesterday I went to the store and bought a lot of fresh fruits, vegetables, and other “real foods”. Now that I have a healthy breakfast covered, I am ready to tackle the other meals. I made a big pot of Greek Orzo Salad to pack for lunches this week. No mishaps. Of course, I haven’t tasted it yet…I guess I’ll wait to pronounce it a success.