It's been a while since I've posted. I wanted to post several times, but they all would have been a variation of, "I'm scared and I don't know how I'm going to get through this". I didn't want to sound like a broken record.
When we first found out about the baby, I half-jokingly said I was going to find a doctor who would put me in a medically-induced coma until the end of the first trimester so I wouldn't have to spend three months in constant worry. It turns out, God already has something like that built into the whole pregnancy thing. I get a good twelve hours of sleep most nights, and sometimes I nap during the day. So if I am feeling stressed out or anxious, I just go to bed and sleep it off. It makes the time pass quicker. It helps a lot, but there are times when I simply can't use this tactic, for example when I'm at work.
The news is that I'm 10 weeks, 3 days. The baby should be over an inch long and my uterus is the size of a grapefruit. I can really feel it in there, squashing everything else! I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Friday. Almost two weeks away. Sigh.
Nemo wants to start talking about finances, baby names, daycare plans, Godparent choices, and all of that. I love his eternal optimism but I just don't feel confident enough yet to talk about those things. There is still a long way to go.
I've recently realized that I am going to be worried about this child for it's entire life, no matter how long or short it may be. I've stumbled across a lot of heartbreaking stories on the internet about second-trimester losses, still births, losing a child soon after birth due to genetic abnormalities or SIDS, stuff like that. There is always a potential for something bad to happen. I don't want to let worry take over my life, but I am drawing a blank when it comes to doing something about it.
Wow, that was pretty disjointed. My apologies.
Everyone have a blessed Advent season!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Wonderful!
This morning I skipped out of work to go to my first midwife appointment! And I couldn't be more pleased with them. Everyone, from the check-in staff to the midwife herself, was so kind and polite and reassuring.
They had an ultrasound machine in the midwife practice, but apparently it is really old and not reliable, so the midwife tried to hear the baby's heartbeat with a Doppler first...and it worked! At nine weeks! She said it is more typical to hear it with a Doppler at 10-12 weeks. It sounded like a little train going chugga chugga in there--it was so cute! It was in the 150-160 range, which is perfect. She also checked my cervix, and it was nice and closed just like it is supposed to be. Thank God!
The midwife is so nice, in fact, that she said that I can come in whenever I want to hear the baby's heartbeat to calm my nerves (apparently they don't like those home Doppler systems for a multitude of reasons). And she gave me a prescription for a full-on ultrasound with measurements and everything to use whenever I want. Which is good because Nemo wants to be there for any "baby-gazing", as he calls it, so we can schedule it for when he isn't in class. It's not medically necessary, but she that said if I asked, because of my history she would give me one. Like I would turn down a chance to see the baby!
I especially liked the midwife because she was very honest. I don't like it when medical professionals act like everything is fine and I have nothing to worry about. They don't understand that I'm not one of those lucky women. The midwife told me that because we've heard the heartbeat and I've made it past 8 weeks, the risk of miscarriage is very low at this point, but not zero. For some reason I really liked that she acknowledged that. I feel like I can trust her to tell me the truth, which I can't with most of the doctors I have met with in the past.
Anyway, it's been a good day so far. I just have to get through the rest of the day of work and then Nemo and I are off to play bridge with our good friends Mr. and Mrs. E. Wonderful!
They had an ultrasound machine in the midwife practice, but apparently it is really old and not reliable, so the midwife tried to hear the baby's heartbeat with a Doppler first...and it worked! At nine weeks! She said it is more typical to hear it with a Doppler at 10-12 weeks. It sounded like a little train going chugga chugga in there--it was so cute! It was in the 150-160 range, which is perfect. She also checked my cervix, and it was nice and closed just like it is supposed to be. Thank God!
The midwife is so nice, in fact, that she said that I can come in whenever I want to hear the baby's heartbeat to calm my nerves (apparently they don't like those home Doppler systems for a multitude of reasons). And she gave me a prescription for a full-on ultrasound with measurements and everything to use whenever I want. Which is good because Nemo wants to be there for any "baby-gazing", as he calls it, so we can schedule it for when he isn't in class. It's not medically necessary, but she that said if I asked, because of my history she would give me one. Like I would turn down a chance to see the baby!
I especially liked the midwife because she was very honest. I don't like it when medical professionals act like everything is fine and I have nothing to worry about. They don't understand that I'm not one of those lucky women. The midwife told me that because we've heard the heartbeat and I've made it past 8 weeks, the risk of miscarriage is very low at this point, but not zero. For some reason I really liked that she acknowledged that. I feel like I can trust her to tell me the truth, which I can't with most of the doctors I have met with in the past.
Anyway, it's been a good day so far. I just have to get through the rest of the day of work and then Nemo and I are off to play bridge with our good friends Mr. and Mrs. E. Wonderful!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Breaking Records
As of Monday I was officially the most pregnant I have ever been.
Today I am seven weeks, six days.
I'm still experiencing a fair amount of anxiety. It's hard to be calm when my symptoms kind of come and go as they please. This morning Nemo told me that I've been grinding my teeth at night, which is not something I normally do! But it makes sense, as I have continued to have disturbing dreams every night since I found out. I am so thankful to have this baby to worry about, but sometimes I think that I'm not strong enough for this.
My first appointment with the midwife is next Friday. If I make it that far, they will do an informal ultrasound just to "ease my mind". So now I'm counting down the days to that.
Oh, and I told Older Sister about the baby and Nemo told his "work mom" (some people have a work spouse, he has a work mom. It is pretty cute). They are the only two people who know about both of our losses, so they know what is at stake and are being as supportive as they can.
In other news, a job at the library branch about a quarter of a mile away from my house opened up, and I decided to apply for it. Baby or no baby, there are certain advantages to working close to home. There are disadvantages too, but I made a pro and con list, and the pros turned out to outweigh the cons. But mostly it would be so cool not to lose an hour every day to a commute!
Today I am seven weeks, six days.
I'm still experiencing a fair amount of anxiety. It's hard to be calm when my symptoms kind of come and go as they please. This morning Nemo told me that I've been grinding my teeth at night, which is not something I normally do! But it makes sense, as I have continued to have disturbing dreams every night since I found out. I am so thankful to have this baby to worry about, but sometimes I think that I'm not strong enough for this.
My first appointment with the midwife is next Friday. If I make it that far, they will do an informal ultrasound just to "ease my mind". So now I'm counting down the days to that.
Oh, and I told Older Sister about the baby and Nemo told his "work mom" (some people have a work spouse, he has a work mom. It is pretty cute). They are the only two people who know about both of our losses, so they know what is at stake and are being as supportive as they can.
In other news, a job at the library branch about a quarter of a mile away from my house opened up, and I decided to apply for it. Baby or no baby, there are certain advantages to working close to home. There are disadvantages too, but I made a pro and con list, and the pros turned out to outweigh the cons. But mostly it would be so cool not to lose an hour every day to a commute!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Heartbeat
Sorry for the lack of posting and commenting this past week. I was just trying to keep my head down and get through the week. Thank you all for your suggestions! When I wasn't sleeping (which is almost all the time) I did some DIY stuff and started a new knitting project. And now that it's a new budget month I am definitely going to get that pedicure!
But down to business--we went in for our second ultrasound this morning, and we saw the baby and the heart beating at 120 beats per minute. What a difference a week makes!
It was a very scary experience because they didn't let Nemo in the room until they had completed the scan, and the screen was turned away from me the whole time and the technician didn't say a thing.
So there I was, lying on a table and praying numerous silent Hail Marys when I heard a heartbeat coming from the monitor and I asked the technician if it was mine. I mean, my heart was about pounding out of my chest, so it could have been. But she gave me a funny look and said, "No, that's the baby's heartbeat."
So there you go. Here I was thinking that you could only see the heartbeat this early, not hear it.
After the technician was all done she called Nemo in and then we finally see the little bean and its little heart flickering. It was really cool. I've never gotten to see that before. I'll never forget it.
The heartbeat is in no way a guarantee. A lot can happen in the next six weeks. But I am thankful to have reached this milestone.
I've been gradually developing some symptoms, which reassures me somewhat. I sleep A LOT. As soon as I get home from work I flop down on the couch and doze until dinner time, then I eat what I can and watch tv for an hour or so before going to bed for the night. I alternate between queasy and starving, but even when I'm starving I can't eat much because everything tastes disgusting. I am incredibly thirsty though; I just can't get enough of that delicious water. Was water always this awesome?
Anyway, that's the news for now. Thank you all so much for the prayers and support! They have been invaluable to me.
But down to business--we went in for our second ultrasound this morning, and we saw the baby and the heart beating at 120 beats per minute. What a difference a week makes!
It was a very scary experience because they didn't let Nemo in the room until they had completed the scan, and the screen was turned away from me the whole time and the technician didn't say a thing.
So there I was, lying on a table and praying numerous silent Hail Marys when I heard a heartbeat coming from the monitor and I asked the technician if it was mine. I mean, my heart was about pounding out of my chest, so it could have been. But she gave me a funny look and said, "No, that's the baby's heartbeat."
So there you go. Here I was thinking that you could only see the heartbeat this early, not hear it.
After the technician was all done she called Nemo in and then we finally see the little bean and its little heart flickering. It was really cool. I've never gotten to see that before. I'll never forget it.
The heartbeat is in no way a guarantee. A lot can happen in the next six weeks. But I am thankful to have reached this milestone.
I've been gradually developing some symptoms, which reassures me somewhat. I sleep A LOT. As soon as I get home from work I flop down on the couch and doze until dinner time, then I eat what I can and watch tv for an hour or so before going to bed for the night. I alternate between queasy and starving, but even when I'm starving I can't eat much because everything tastes disgusting. I am incredibly thirsty though; I just can't get enough of that delicious water. Was water always this awesome?
Anyway, that's the news for now. Thank you all so much for the prayers and support! They have been invaluable to me.
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