Ultrasound

Nemo and I went to the doctor today for my first ultrasound. We saw the gestational sac and the yolk sac, which were both measuring fine for 5-6 weeks. It is intrauterine and positioned in the upper part of the uterus, which is good, no, excellent news. The nurse said that the pregnancy looks great on paper, so I am trying to cling to that.

But there was no fetal pole, and hence, no heartbeat.

I keep telling myself it is just too early. We have another ultrasound scheduled for next Wednesday in the morning, and the nurse said that is when they would expect to see a heartbeat.

This is going to be the longest week ever.

Any and all self-distraction tips would be welcome, if you got 'em!

7 Quick Takes

1. We made it to 5 weeks, and as far as I know I'm still pregnant. I have trouble keeping my eyes open after 9pm and I can smell everything, but other than that my symptoms are pretty mild. I never throught I would be eager to barf, but I can't wait for morning sickness to kick in. And I hope that I'll regret ever saying that:)


2. Tomorrow is family picture day! I'm really nervous about the clothes I have picked out and whether or not I will be having a bad hair day, but mostly I am excited. The weather is going to be beautiful tomorrow, and since the shoot is going to be outdoors this is terrific news! One less thing to obssess about.


3. I'm having a work-related crisis. An ex-coworker who I didn't get along with is going to be my current co-worker once again starting on Monday. She was kind of a bully and made me feel terrible about myself, and I am having a hard time reconciling with the fact that I'm going to have to see her every day. Blech. Praying that I'll handle it gracefully and with minimun breakdowns in my office.


4. Nemo and I are going to New Orleans in January with my in-laws. Nemo and his dad work in the same field and will be attending a conference there. Me and MIL are going just to stay in a nice hotel and see the sights. Traveling tends to stress me out a little bit, but I am trying to be a little more adventurous. If this pregnancy continues I'll be about 16 weeks then, so it could be a nice babymoon trip.

5. I heard this great prayer on the Faith and Family Live podcast today:

Prayer to Our Lady of La Leche

O Lord Jesus Christ, through the intercession of Your tender Mother, Our Lady of La Leche, who bore You close to her heart during those long months before Your birth, I place my baby and myself entirely in Your Hands. Free me, I beseech You, from useless and consuming worry. Accept the sacrifice of my aches and pains, which I unite to Your sufferings on the Cross. Above all, most merciful and loving Jesus, protect this child You have given to me from all harm, bestowing the health and vigor every baby needs. Implant in my heart and on my lips the words and prayers of Your Mother and mine, our Lovely Lady of La Leche. All this I ask that my child and I may live to praise forever Your Holy Name.
Amen.

I think I am going to try to memorize it.

I've been talking St. Gerard, St. Gianna, St. Joseph, and Our Lady of Guadalupe's ears off.

6. The Irish Wolfhound project has hit a few roadblocks. The breeder we wanted to go with has been ignoring our emails for months, and we're starting to get really frustrated with them. Now we have to do our research all over again to find another breeder that we like. Sigh. I'm trying not to take it personally, but how unprofessional are you if you don't return emails in a timely fashion? Jerks.

7. My mom is back in school studying to be a physician's assistant. It is a very rigorous program and she doesn't have much time to eat or sleep or chat. It's something she really wants to accomplish and of course I support her, but I still miss talking on the phone with her sometimes.

More Than Tripled

This morning my hCG was at 1,823. Praise God!


My progesterone level from my first draw on Monday (before I started supplementing) was 35.9. To give me some perspective, the nurse told me that their machine only goes up to 40. Regardless, I have instructions to continue with the progesterone.


I have an appointment for an ultrasound on next Wednesday to confirm dates and check the placement. I had to reschedule it so that Nemo could come too--he would really love it and I really want him to be there with me. Stupid school! I don't understand why he can't skip.


I will be between 5 weeks 5 days then. It will probably be too early to see a heartbeat, even if the pregnancy is viable. That is going to freak me out in a major way. Grow fast, baby! We want to see you!

The Verdict

It's official: my hCG was at 575 when they checked it this morning.

According to the American Pregnancy website, the hCG levels for 4 weeks LMP should be 5-426 and 5 weeks LMP should be 18-7,340. I'm right in the middle at 4 weeks 3 days now, so the number seems good to me. I'm going in on Wednesday to have my levels checked again, and I'm fervently praying that the number will be 1,150 or above.

They are also going to test the blood they took today for progesterone levels, but regardless of the results they are giving me a prescription for progesterone suppositories. Sounds like fun? But totally worth it if it helps.

Tiredness has kicked it--but it may or may not be pregnancy-related. It may also be that I haven't been sleeping well. Ever since I found out, I have been having very life-like nightmares that I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and discover that I'm miscarrying. Not very conducive to a good night's sleep. Maybe I need to drink more chamomile tea. And take deep breaths. Hoo hee hoo hee hoo hee.

But for right now me and Baby are together, and that makes me go, Yay!

Appointment on Monday

Thank you all for the well wishes!

I have an appointment at my R.E. Dr. S' office first thing Monday morning to have blood drawn for a beta test. Maybe seeing the cold hard numbers will make it more real for me.They will get the results to me the same day, so I will let you know when I know:)

Calling the Doctor's office was kind of a surreal experience. The nurse asked if me 1) how long ago was my LMP and 2) are my periods regular? I told her that I chart for NFP purposes so I was absolutely sure that my period would have been due on Friday. To which she replied, "Um, what does that mean?"

So I got to tell her all about cervical fluid and temperatures. It really surprises me how few medical professionals know what NFP is, let alone how to use it as a diagnostic tool. What a shame!

For the record my LMP was September 15, but I didn't ovulate until October 1 (CD17), so that makes me four weeks, one day right now. I thought about putting a ticker on the blog but then I thought it might bum me out to see how far away 13 weeks and relative safety is. So I'll hold off for now. I think I'll stick with having staring contests with my calendar, because that totally makes time go faster! LOL.

It didn't come across this way in my last post, but I'm happy! And excited! Nemo is too. He's already researching and planning elaborate menus to give me and the baby the best nutrition possible.

His faith is amazing. He knew it was going to be this cycle!

It was so nice to go to bed last night as a family of three again.

Recent Mood Swings Explained

**Please don't feel obligated to continue reading if you find this painful in any way.

I might have had a meltdown on Sunday because I'm


The line is faint, but definitely there.

I've just left a message for the nurses at my Reproductive Endocrinologist's office to see what the next step is. I hope they get back to me soon.

The only reason I'm not scared out of my mind right now is because I am too stunned.

All day yesterday I was in a horrible mood because I was (I thought) PMSing like no one's business, and I was 100% sure that AF would be arriving right on time.

After monitoring every bodily sensation for the last two weeks, I had deduced that I had none of my usual symptoms of pregnancy. My bbs are a little tender, but nowhere near the excruciating pain I experienced during my last two pregnancies. I haven't been excessively hungry or thirsty or tired (although I did take two naps this week but I thought that was just because I was bored).

The only clue I had was that my temperatures were remaining fairly high, but I didn't think much of it because last cycle they decided they weren't going to go down right before AF arrived, but rather nine days after. I thought the same thing was just happening again.

So I saw absolutely no point in taking an HPT.

When I woke up this morning and took my temperature it was still high. I was frozen with indecision. To POAS or not to POAS? It would be a shame to waste it, but it would be so nice to just confirm it was negative so I could begin looking forward to the new cycle.

I eventually bit the bullet and just did it. I took the stick into my office to mess around on the computer while I waited the two minutes until I could go back to bed. I glanced at it before the allotted time, and saw just what you see in the picture above. But my brain was all like,

"?"

All of this early morning activity, rummaging in linen closet to find the last HPT and whatnot, had signaled to the sleeping Nemo (I've decided that is going to be N's blog nickname) that something was up. He stumbled in to the office looking very confused, and I confused him further by shoving the test at him and asking what he saw.

Once we had, with out collective early-morning brainpower, confirmed that there was indeed a cross and that a cross did indeed make the test positive, we tried to go back to sleep. Ha. As if.

I really don't know what to think. I don't quite believe it. I know what the test said, but I just don't feel pregnant. But since I only know what a doomed pregnancy feels like, maybe this isn't a bad thing. They say that every pregnancy is different.

All I can do is turn this over to God. His will be done, even if it means the child will go to His heavenly home instead of my earthly one. That is what my rational self is thinking.

But my heart is saying, Oh God, please don't take this one from me.

Ok, I am freaking out.

One Step Back

I thought I had recently turned a corner, but it turns out I haven't accepted a thing. Not by a long shot.

On Sunday I had a full-day marathon breakdown, which unfortunately coincided with a six-hour car ride as N and I were coming back from a mini-vacation. I was in a complete panic about the future and still (still!) unable to accept the past.

Full disclosure: I have been dealing with varying degrees of depression since I was a teenager. I made the decision in college to stop taking medication and I haven't since. It was a personal decision and I make no judgment on people who do take medication to control their condition.

I have been in and out of psychologists' offices since I was fourteen. I don't know if I just have terrible luck when choosing psychologists or if I am just immune to therapy, but I have never found them to be terribly useful. I haven't had an appointment for over a year and a half.

That said, N would really like me to try again. I don't have the quality of life that he would wish for me, and he thinks I deserve better. I can't even wrap my head around the idea. A psychologist can't give me back what I lost. Short of medication, which I will not take, they cannot alleviate my anxiety. The only thing that will make me better is a baby in my arms.

I think I am doing all of the things a psychologist would recommend. I exercise. I eat right. I get enough sleep. I spend time with friends. I have cultivated new hobbies. But even when I am trying every trick in the book, sometimes I still can't drown out the running inner-monologue that tells me that I am a failure.

But what more is there? What else can I do?

We hashed all that out in the car but didn't come to an agreement. But what really did help me in that moment was N talking about how the loss of our children affected him. I get so wrapped up in my own sadness and anxiety that I sometimes forget that it happened to him too. Of course I don't like to see him experiencing those feelings, but it means so much to me to know that I am not alone in my struggle.

Crap, now I'm crying again. I want to make him a father so badly.

I'm 11DPO. I only have one HPT left, and I don't want to waste it by taking it too early. If things look promising in the next couple of days (it's not looking too good right now but you never know), I'll take it on Friday morning.

Daydreaming

I'm 5DPO.

My temperature this morning was 98.1. I actually did a double take because that is astronomical, even for post-ovulation. I actually had to put a new column in my spreadsheet. It really made my morning. My whole day, actually.

I actually remembered to take muc.inex on my most fertile days, we used all the good days, and I had a dream that I took a pregnancy test and it was so positive that there were three pink lines. So we'll see what happens. But don't worry, I have learned not to hold my breath. This month I will not get ahead of myself.

I will not analyze every little "symptom" that I "experience". Surely this crampy feeling can be attributed to the...ok I drew a blank. And I'm sure the reason that I can smell the individual contents of the garbage from across the room is because it is just a stinky day.

And I will not analyze the calendar either. Except that I totally did, and now I know that if I did conceive this cycle and the child lived, I would be entering my second trimester on Christmas Day. Wouldn't that be awesome?

And I'm not looking at maternity clothes and changing tables on craigsl.ist. That would be silly. Who needs maternity clothes? Not this lady.

And I'm definitely not to decorating a nursery in my mind. Except I already have the theme picked out and I've decided that I like cherry furniture the best.

So I lied; this month is just like all the other months. I can't decide if it is hope or stupidity.

When will I learn to assume I am not pregnant until proven pregnant? It would make the CD1s so much easier.

Adoption

My twenty-sixth birthday was two months after my second miscarriage. I was at the height of my misery, and was doubting that I would be able to become a mother naturally. On my birthday I asked N that, if we shouldn't have made significant progress (pregnant and through the first trimester) by my twenty-eighth birthday, then we would start looking into adoption.

To me, adoption seems like the most natural thing in the world. My family began to do foster care when I was eleven. For a while we just took in babies under one year old (my mom had some serious baby fever), but then less than a week before Christmas 1995 we took in a set of siblings, a three-year-old boy and a two-year-old girl.

After four years and a lot of drama my parents adopted the girl, but she was my Baby Sister from the moment she first walked in our door, not when the Judge signed the papers. I love her to death. I can't imagine my life without her as my sister.

But N wasn't willing to commit to my timeline. He doesn't have any personal experience with adoption. It's a foreign concept to him, and I think he doubts his ability to love an adopted child. He doesn't give himself enough credit! I know how much love he is capable of. When I see him with our Godson, it just about breaks my heart.

I've been worrying about N a lot lately. He is very stressed and isn't sleeping well. I think most of it stems from the as-yet unsuccessful job search. I've never been particularly devoted to St. Joseph, but recently, seemingly out of nowhere, I have been feeling the urge to ask for his help.

Today is my Novena Day, and I will be praying a Novena to St. Joseph to help my dear sweet husband. Not to make him agree to my adoption timeline, but just to guide him in general.

Recuperating

Yesterday, October 3, was what would have been the due date of the second child I conceived, Lily.

I surprised myself by how well I handled it. She was the first thing I thought about when I woke up. I felt sad that I never got to hold her. That I never even got to see her on a sonogram. I felt so very, very sorry--sorry that she died, but not that she existed. If she had never been I wouldn't have gone through the pain of losing her, but even having her those few short weeks was worth any price. I felt the hurt and the disappointment all over again, but I didn't let it control me.

I prayed for her at Mass instead of asking God why. Is this what acceptance feels like?

The past few weeks I have been feeling the presence of God in strange and wonderful ways. The most jolting was last Friday. After rolling out of bed I went to daily Mass. Without why it was on my mind or how it got there, before the Mass began I was contemplating the phrase "I give you thanks that I am fearfully, wonderfully made". I am not one to memorize or quote scripture, so it was very out of character for me. I suddenly realized that although there may be something wrong with me that will prevent me from becoming a mother naturally, I am still fearfully and wonderfully made. My little saints, though they could not continue to live, were also fearfully and wonderfully made. God took care with us. He took care OF us. I felt more loved that I had in a very long time.

When the lector proclaimed those very words as part of the Responsorial Psalm, I about fell off the pew in shock.

Then, at Mass yesterday, St. Paul tells Timothy that "God did not give us a spirit of cowardice, but rather of power and love and self-control. With God, I can be strong. I can be brave. I will not lose heart.

God isn't doing anything extra. It's just that, now that I have laid aside my hurt and anger I am finally able to listen.