Deadlines

CD1 came yesterday, right on schedule. I'd be lying if I said I was ok, but I'm not NOT ok either. I was weepy at daily Mass and then gave myself a good three-minute cry when I got home, but then life went on and I decided to tag along.

Over the past year - almost year and a half - I have been expecting instant gratification of my wish to be a mother. N doesn't really understand why I NEED to be a mother before I turn 30, or before a certain anniversary, or before the next Christmas. In turn, I don't really understand how he can be so complacent about this. He always tells me, "It will happen when it happens and all we can do is hope and pray." In my head I know he's right, but I still can't wrap my head around it.

I've been thinking about this a lot recently, and I realized that it is a recurring theme in my life. I am driven to be the first at everything. I took the ACTs when I was fifteen, then graduated from high school and went to college a year early. I was the first among my group of friends to get married, then the first to buy a house.

And now that everyone else has children, I can't accept the fact that I am the one being left behind.

Why am I in such a rush? People have always asked me that, but this is the first time I have asked myself. Why can't I just let things happen as they will, instead of (sometimes futilely) trying to force them to happen my way?

It bears more prayer and meditation. I'll get right on that.

On a more chipper note, over the weekend N and I went to an Irish festival that was in town and we had an absolute blast! Among other things, we got to meet several Irish Wol.fhounds and chat with their owners. They were the sweetest, most chill dogs I have ever met. Even with music blasting from speakers, people shouting, and five little kids petting them at once, they were patently unperturbed. We are even more convinced now that we want one!