Waiting

It is CD22, and for the last week I have been vacillating between being absolutely 100% positive that I have conceived and being convinced that I have not. Pretty typical thought pattern for this part of my cycle.

I've got no concrete evidence of conception like extra-elevated temps, because I stopped taking my BBT after I had confirmed ovulation. I've found that this makes me a lot less stressed. I have been wiped out and ravenous lately, but this is most likely due to all the extra running I've been doing (I have to run 6 miles tomorrow; yikes!).

I've got two kinds of waiting to contend with. Currently the open-ended waiting of trying to conceive. Part of what makes it so frustrating is that it could happen this cycle or 10 cycles from now or possibly never.

If I do conceive again, I will then have to wait and see if the child lives beyond the first trimester. Even though this wait has a finite time period, it is so much worse because the child is no longer just an idea, a hope; it will be a living person that I love and want to keep for myself. Instead of waiting for something good to happen, I'll be waiting for something bad to happen.

Can you tell that I'm a pessimist?

N is of the opinion that we have "used up" all of our bad luck and therefor the next pregnancy will be healthy, but I just can't wrap my head around that. I don't like the idea of chalking miscarriages up to bad luck; that's what people always do when they don't understand why something happened. Just because the doctors couldn't find the cause doesn't mean there wasn't one.

In five short days I will know what kind of waiting I'm in for, more of the same or waiting of a more scary, yet exciting type. I kind of wish I could just go to bed and sleep for a week and then wake up and know the answer. But then I guess I wouldn't have the opportunity to develop patience and trust.