When I was in the ER after my first miscarriage, the resident who was treating me made a big deal of telling me that, "It's not your fault" and "There's nothing you could have done". As if that would fix everything.
She looked confused when that made me cry harder.
I told her that I wished it was my fault. I can control my actions--if one of them caused the miscarriage I would never do that thing again and the problem would be solved. I would conceive again, have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy child to hold at the end of it. I was willing to take the blame if it meant that I would never have to go through something that horrible again.
If it's not my fault, I have no guarantees. It's out of my control--and that is the hardest thing for me to accept. There is nothing I can do that will make it turn out alright. The lives and deaths of my children are governed by Someone Else, and His will must be done, not mine.
Even if I don't understand why he has chosen me for this heartache.
People continue to tell me that it's not my fault in an attempt to make me feel better. It is the worst possible thing they could say, because it forces me admit to myself all over again that I'm powerless.
It hurts, but perhaps it is a good hurt.
Even though I only had them for a few short weeks, the love I have for my unborn children is fierce and boundless. Now that I have known maternal love, I am more in awe of the love that God has for me. My love for them is the biggest love that I have ever felt, and His love for me is countless times bigger than that. My human heart cannot hold a love that immense. My human mind has a hard time even imagining it.
It is because of His infinite love that I am trying to set aside my own will.
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