Keeping Busy

After the second miscarriage I was in a state of mind that was beyond depressed. I couldn't stand the thought of lying in bed and thinking about how awful things were. About how my journey into motherhood had gone so tragically wrong. All of my sadness, guilt, disappointment, and anger manifested in this incredible energy. I had to do things.

Running. The first thing I did was start running. It was a week after the miscarriage. I was still bleeding and cramping, but I gritted my teeth and ran a mile on the streets that were still piled high with remnants of the epic snowstorm that had coincided with the death of my child. I have been running three times a week ever since. I didn't intentionally set out to find ways to cope, but running was very beneficial for me in that way. N started running with me; this was one way that the tragedy brought us together. We ran a 5K together on April 8, 2010, after seven weeks of training. We finished in 28:10.

Creating: I started to work with my hands. I have always been a knitter, but the projects I completed in the months following the miscarriage was more than all of the previous year. I began some small sewing projects with varying degrees of success. I also started to make bread. Not by hand, but in a bread machine. A big step for me.

Decluttering. The day after the miscarriage was Ash Wednesday. I was not on good terms with God that day, and I chose a Lenten resolution that served my own purposes. I was tired of living in a messy house, so I decided to give away or throw out one thing every day for the forty days of Lent. After Easter I talked to a priest about what I had been going through. I told him that Lent had not been as spiritually fruitful as it could have been. Father D encouraged me to look closer at my Lenten experience, because the fruits may have been disguised or not what I was expecting. And it was true; I am still angry with God sometimes, but my relationship with Him has developed and matured in surprising ways.

Getting Out of Debt. We don't have that much debt. Both N and my college educations were paid for by our parents, we have one car that my in-laws bought for us outright as a wedding present, and we have managed to avoid the pitfall of credit card and personal debt. We own our house, which isn't a big deal, but in 2008 we bought a second car when I got a raise. I really like having a second car, but I am really not digging the car payment every month so I decided to put all of our extra money into paying off that loan. It's going really well; it should be paid off by the beginning of October. It's a really good feeling. In a side note, I love mint.com. Best thing to happen in my financial life, ever.

Gardening. I have a vegetable garden in my backyard. N built it for my birthday last year. Sadly, the only edibles we have gotten so far this year are green onions. But they are really tasty green onions!















My neighborhood just got its very own Community Garden this month, so I paid my dues and have a whole 'nother box at my disposal. And this one gets a lot more sun. It's too bad that we all got such a late start, but my pole beans are already starting to sprout!

I'm still sad, hurt, disappointed, and angry. But I really believe that keeping busy has held off the worst of it. I am very glad for all the experiences I have had in the past six months.