God Tested Me

It was my goal to get through CD1 without crying. I knew it was coming, and I was ok with it, thanks in the most part to St. Gianna. When my period showed up yesterday morning, I accepted it more gracefully than I had in a while. I even had a mildly positive outlook on this brand-new cycle.

After work N and I went to Mr. and Mrs. E's house to play bridge. We met them at the Easter Vigil Mass many years ago when Mrs. E was behind N in line to be welcomed into the Church, and we have been good friends ever since. They have a beautiful 1-year-old daughter who I simply adore.

And it turns out that Mrs. E is expecting again. I am just over the moon for them! And at the same time, so very, very sorry for myself. The news, though happy, emphasized how long I have been waiting. In the time it took me to lose two children, she gave birth to one and is almost into her second trimester with another. It also made me feel that I will never be as happy as Mrs. E, who has no reason to expect anything but life. I feel like my life, tainted by sorrow and loss, will never be as beautiful as hers.

I made it all the way through bridge night. I even made it home (though I indulged in petty thoughts like, "Very funny, God"). I made it to 10:46pm without crying. So close. Now it is back to the drawing board.

I have to shake off these self-defeating thoughts. I have to stop living in the past and thinking about what could have been. This is the life God gave me, and he gave it to me for a reason. No matter what my trials, this life is a gift.

Today I am moving forward.