Staying

Yesterday we found out that N had been rejected for a job that he had his heart set on. We had all of our eggs in that basket, and now it's back to the drawing board. I feel bad for N's disappointment, but I'm not too torn up about it myself.

It was a good job with a good salary and a good pension. Other than that I wasn't really in love with it.

First, I had some issues with the employer. Also, we would have to move 250 miles away. But I love THIS city. I think of it as my hometown, even though I moved here only four and half years ago. I love my friends and our church and our home. I really don't want to leave, ever. Plus it would have put us even further away from our families than we already are--not a happy prospect.

The more selfish reason that I am thankful we are staying is because if God does bless me with a healthy pregnancy one day, I want to do it here where my friends can support me, dote on me, and lend me their maternity clothes.

An even MORE selfish reason is this: Before N's change of heart, the plan was to have children when he was gainfully employed and we were settled in our forever home; that's what this job would have given us. It's hard to explain, but I just couldn't stand the thought that this year of suffering and loss might have been for nothing.

The likelihood of N finding a job around here is slim, but I remain hopeful. And if we do eventually have to leave, it is now in the distant rather than immediate future. I still have time.

The downfall is that I remain the primary bacon bringer. I was sort of looking forward to be a stay-at-home-wife and someday mother. Ah well.