One Step Back

I thought I had recently turned a corner, but it turns out I haven't accepted a thing. Not by a long shot.

On Sunday I had a full-day marathon breakdown, which unfortunately coincided with a six-hour car ride as N and I were coming back from a mini-vacation. I was in a complete panic about the future and still (still!) unable to accept the past.

Full disclosure: I have been dealing with varying degrees of depression since I was a teenager. I made the decision in college to stop taking medication and I haven't since. It was a personal decision and I make no judgment on people who do take medication to control their condition.

I have been in and out of psychologists' offices since I was fourteen. I don't know if I just have terrible luck when choosing psychologists or if I am just immune to therapy, but I have never found them to be terribly useful. I haven't had an appointment for over a year and a half.

That said, N would really like me to try again. I don't have the quality of life that he would wish for me, and he thinks I deserve better. I can't even wrap my head around the idea. A psychologist can't give me back what I lost. Short of medication, which I will not take, they cannot alleviate my anxiety. The only thing that will make me better is a baby in my arms.

I think I am doing all of the things a psychologist would recommend. I exercise. I eat right. I get enough sleep. I spend time with friends. I have cultivated new hobbies. But even when I am trying every trick in the book, sometimes I still can't drown out the running inner-monologue that tells me that I am a failure.

But what more is there? What else can I do?

We hashed all that out in the car but didn't come to an agreement. But what really did help me in that moment was N talking about how the loss of our children affected him. I get so wrapped up in my own sadness and anxiety that I sometimes forget that it happened to him too. Of course I don't like to see him experiencing those feelings, but it means so much to me to know that I am not alone in my struggle.

Crap, now I'm crying again. I want to make him a father so badly.

I'm 11DPO. I only have one HPT left, and I don't want to waste it by taking it too early. If things look promising in the next couple of days (it's not looking too good right now but you never know), I'll take it on Friday morning.